50 Fun Things To Do…

At Church Give a dollar to the kid in the front row and tell him to ask the preacher if he would rather be stoned or crucified. Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. Start a wave. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like “Hugh G. Rection” and “Oliver Klozoff”. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: “IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I’LL KILL IT!!!” If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of “fire and brimstone”, throw it in. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. Fart, and have a friend shout: “Hark! An angel has spoken!” Blow bubbles. Eat nachos and crunch loudly whenever the pastor says the word hell. Claim you’re working as a public censor. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. Write on the bathroom wall: “The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!” Spread the word that there’ll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.